I tried to remember, but I said "what's a flower?"

February
lyrics: Dar Williams

* I threw your keys in the water, I looked back, they‘d frozen halfway down in the ice*

I remember, we were having an argument. Both red faced and hollering like small children. You were swinging your keys in front of my face, yelling because I had lost my set. Just another one of the things that showed how irresponsible I was. We weren’t ready for this, I couldn’t even keep track of a set of keys. I remember being angry, watching the shiny keys flash light in my eyes, and glint in the sun. The sun was especially bright that day, and we were by the lake. The reflection from both the lake and the keys made dazzling sparks of light glint across your face and hair. You were beautiful even when you were angry, and red faced, and yelling. My head began to hurt from the argument, and the constant clang, clang of the keys. I reached up, snatching them from your fist, and threw them. I watched as the keys splashed, and then froze into a small cube of ice. It was February.

*They froze up so quickly, the keys and their owner, even after the anger it all turned silent and Everyday turned solitary so we came to February.*

February is supposed to be a month of love and happiness, what with Valentine’s Day smack in the middle of it. After the incident with the keys, everything between us became like the ice in the lake outside our house. We spent ages walking on the ice, waiting for it to crack, and when it cracked, we waited for it to break, to swallow us both into its freezing mouth. When it finally broke under the weight of our relationship, we had been ready, preparing for some time. Life vests, were being worn all the time, so when the ice gave way, and took us captive in it’s frozen arms, we didn’t even blink. We just went on, in different directions, down stream.

*First we forgot that we planted those bulbs last year, then we forgot that we planted at all. Then we forgot what plants are altogether and I blamed you for my freezing and forgetting and the nights were long and cold and scary can we live through February?*

For a while, I floated in the icy bath, letting my skin become pruned and frigid, allowing my heart become freezer burned and rough around the edges. Somewhere along the floating journey I found your keys. There they were, just suspended in the water next to me, and when I reached for them, they kept getting further and further out of reach, until at last, they fell over the side of a waterfall, and all I could hear was a fait splash over the roar of the falls, and all I could do was think of how the water reminded me of your eyes.

*I think Christmas was a long red glare, shot up like a warning, we gave presents without cards and then the snow, and the snow came and we were always out shoveling and we’d drop to sleep exhausted and we’d wake up and it’s snowing.*

When I think back, I realize there were signs. Signs that the ice was thin, signs that at any given moment, things would shatter beneath us, and we’d be gone. I remember Christmas, how we gave presents, how we sat around the tree, you, me and our dog. Tearing at paper and bows, not even reading cards. I remember how you hated the snow, how we serious you were about shoveling. “Can’t leave it there forever.” you’d say, and I would make snowballs and throw them at you. You never thought it was funny, you didn’t have time for games, you had to shovel. “James,” I would whine, “come and play!” feeling like a child again, and while you were shoveling, I would be making snow angel families, then, you would come and shovel them away. This was what we did everyday, and we’d both come inside, our noses pink with cold, and both angry with the other. You were angry because I hadn’t helped shovel, and I because you had destroyed my fun. Then, when we’d wake up, a fresh blanket of snow had fallen, and we were both cross again.

*and February was so long that it lasted into March and found us walking a path alone together. You stopped and pointed and you said ‘that’s a crocus’ and I said ‘what’s a crocus,’ and you said ‘it’s a flower.’ And I tried to remember but I said, ‘what’s a flower and you said, ‘I still love you.’*

Somewhere along my icy journey, the lake began to thaw, and I knew the Spring was arriving. The water began to rush around me, as the ice was melting and the first thing I found was you. I got to thinking, about the way we used to be, and even after all this time had passed, I couldn’t remember anything when I was near you. My mind was flooded with the icy water from our past, and when you reached out to touch me, I shivered. Being around you again was like having an ice cream headache. I told you I’d found your keys, and you nodded, saying maybe I wasn’t as irresponsible as you had thought. I smiled, my cheeks warming, but my hands were still cold.

*the leaves were turning as we drove to the hardware store. my new lover made me keys to the house.*

Every time I look at a set of keys, I think of that day, at the lake, and how I somehow managed to find your keys again. When you suggested I get a set of keys, I shook my head, but we went anyway. You said it was time, we were ready, this time, you said, would be different. And they were.

*and when we got home, well we just started chopping wood cause you never know what the next year will bring. and we’ll gather all our arms can carry, I have lost to February.*