Thought I saw you yesterday, thought I passed you on the street

Less Than Strangers
Lyrics: Tracy Chapman

*You and me Had some history Had a semblance of honesty All that has changed now*

There are things in my life that have no beginning, and things in life that have no definite end. I always thought we’d be like that. I truly did, because there are times, when I can’t remember meeting you, only that I’ve known you, and I can’t remember losing you, only that you’ve gone. I used to keep everything in a shoebox under my bed, so I could take out the letters, the photographs, sticky with fingerprints, and look them over, a memory of what we used to be. I don’t like to think of those things now, they only seem trite, and foolish. Things said, and done in vain, useless mementoes. Of course, I have yet to dispose of them permanently, to throw them down the incinerator would be a step beyond what I am capable of. Instead, they have simply moved, further and further away from my bedroom as time wears on. First, moving from under the bed to the top shelf of the closet, then into the hall closet, and finally, where they are now, on the top shelf of my storage space in my garage.

I’ve changed my route to work Mark, so I don’t have to pass the offices. So I don’t have to imagine you inside, working away. It takes me twenty minutes longer to get where I’m going, but it feels more like closure to me, not needing to pass by where you are. Where you might be, where you will always be in my mind. Perhaps it is foolish, perhaps it is childish, but that’s how I always was, isn’t it? Always out to do things so they were more complicated than they needed to be. Going out of my way trying to avoid the things I always seemed to find.

I used to drive past those buildings everyday, and then past the restaurant we always ate at, the one with the tables on the patio, where the lady bugs always dined with us.

“Don’t kill it!” I shrieked.

“Why? It’s a bug, and it’s on my plate!” you answered, a look on your face I like to believe was intrigue.

“It’s bad luck to kill a lady bug.”

*We shared words Only lover speak How can it be We are less than strangers*

Maybe what happened is that one night you accidentally did kill one, maybe that’s what really happened to us, some curse from a lady bug.

The simple act of squishing and insect dragged us down into the depths of a despair we couldn’t claw our way out of. Squinting in my memory I like to imagine that everything went wrong beginning with that point of time. That single smidgen in the line of time catapulted us into the end of it all. Perhaps it started long ago, perhaps we never should have even ventured into the idea of a relationship, but the more I think about it, the clearer it becomes that the entire fall began with the death of a lady bug.

*Oh it hurts to lose in love Let anger and cruelty win It's unfair that you doubt your feelings And that you'll ever love again I know that hearts can change Like the seasons and the wind But when I said forever I thought that we'd always be friends*

But, my memory fools me nowadays, things I thought I remembered are only vague, muted colors now, and places I thought I knew remain dust, blowing through the corners of my mind. Every time I replay a memory, it changes, and certain things become clearer, or more blurred. Arguments become more vivid, darker reds, bright blues, and the soft times become cleaner, more pastel. My mind compensates for what my heart wishes were true.

*I thought I saw you yesterday I thought I passed you on the street I swear I saw your face I was not imagining That you stole a glance my way You walked away from me*

I saw you the other day. The day I decided to quit being a foolish little girl, to quit taking twenty minutes longer to go anywhere, and I walked. I walked down the street, and saw you coming out of revolving door. We had one of those awkward pauses, the ones they have in movies, where you look into the eyes of the other person, and you see everything you had together flash in a montage before your own eyes. You were the first to walk away, first to break the gaze, but we both turned, and caught each other looking. You kept walking, pretending you hadn’t seen me, that nothing had happened. As I kept walking, past the office, past the lines of shiny cars, down the street, the pavement glistening in the summer heat, I watched as the ladybugs fluttered around our table, and I was prepared, but the tears never came.

*You and me had some history Had a semblance of honesty All that has changed now We shared words Only lovers speak How can it be We are less than strangers*